This sinking feeling in your stomach when your boyfriend casually mentions that you’ll be meeting his parents soon and they live in a place called “Little Wickham” or “Great Toffington,” wherever the heck that is? Yeah. Me too.
Because when you know you’re going to meet parents from somewhere that takes itself seriously enough to name itself after tiny medieval counties, you know you’re in for a day of meeting intimidatingly affluent folks you’ll desperately try to impress without accidentally revealing that your weekly food budget probably wouldn’t cover their grocery bill. When I was growing up in Eugene, dressing up meant wearing your best flannel shirt. So needless to say, when I first encountered the peculiar species that is Home Counties parents through my ex-boyfriend Tom, I had no idea what I was doing.
Tom’s parents lived in this ridiculously picturesque house that I’m pretty sure was used as a location for BBC costume dramas. Their kitchen alone had enough thatched roof to rebuild our entire neighborhood, and real oil paintings of people on the walls.
Not like Tom’s dad painting his mom sort of thing, real literal oil PAINTINGS.
Also, the dog’s name was Wellington. I showed up wearing what I thought was an adorable thrifted blazer. It was vintage, I swear!
Except not the cool vintage where you buy clothes at vintage shops in Portland and actually pay more money than those go… it was the kind of vintage where you find adorable clothes at Value Village but they’re still from the 1970s with bell sleeves. Tom’s mother referred to my ensemble as “interesting” several times throughout the day, which I later learned is British code for “what the hell are you wearing?” Middle-class English parents are impossible to shop for because whenever you deal with a class-based society that’s been going strong for hundreds of years, you end up with this bizarre secret handshake of appropriateness. And forget getting the clothes wrong – if you show up wearing something that his mom deems as “not quite right” it says more about you as a person than any interview ever could.
Trust me, I’ve had years of experience dating guys with parents in suburb-after suburbia for me to pick up on these nuances. And if you’ve ever dated someone who has parents with a big house and a two-car garage you’ll quickly learn that there’s an entire unspoken etiquette around what you wear and where you shop when meeting your boyfriend’s parents. My friend Anna was recently in this exact situation last weekend.
Her boyfriend Harry is from a village in Oxfordshire and they decided to make the big trip up to visit his parents for a Sunday lunch feast. Anna text me freaking out because she’d googled their house on street view (“We all do that”) and Harry’s childhood home looked like it belonged to the Crown Estate. “I don’t know where I can shop to remotely match his mom’s wardrobe!” Anna wailed. “She’ll judge me!” And yes, she will judge you if you’re wearing leggings as a dress. But Harry’s mom will not actually care if you bought your blouse from Zara rather than Boden.
She’ll just judge you silently and hope that you don’t realize it. The trick to dressing like you know what good clothes are, even though you shop at Target is realizing that it’s not the clothes that are expensive, it’s what they represent. Meeting your boyfriend’s parents isn’t so different than any other situation where there’s an agreed-upon dress code, whether it’s jeans at work or a black tie affair.
People wearing things that others have deemed inappropriate instantly raises red flags, because clothing is how we communicate things like social class and wealth without having to say it out loud. Trust me, I could write a whole book on the anxiety around clothes and spending the right amount of money on “acceptable” items when meeting someone’s parents. Home Counties parents aren’t looking for branded clothing specifically, they’re looking for what they would consider “smart.” Which translates to you trying hard without trying too hard.
Visualize the moms you knew growing up who’d make their kids wear lipstick to the supermarket. Now imagine them grown-up, wearing nice coats, and having wine with their friends. “What I’m wearing doesn’t even look like I spent any effort!” you’ll hear yourself lament when you realize that you’ll be trapped at these people’s house for the next 12 hours and you have no idea what to talk to them about besides the weather. I cannot stress this enough.
Find a knee-length dress you feel confident in and go with that. It doesn’t matter what color, short sleeve or long sleeve, as long as it falls just past your knees and you feel cute wearing it, you’re golden. Go to Target and look in the woman’s section for nice-looking cotton dresses.
I have this old navy blue one I picked up from Zara on clearance for $30 that looks expensive enough to trick Harry’s mom into thinking I spend more than a fifth of my salary on a single blouse. Look for simple lines, no crazy prints. Stay away from bright colors that aren’t naturals, like deep reds or oranges.
You want to look like you could just wake up like this every morning without trying, eating nothing but organic foods and spending your weekend mornings doing yoga so you always have perfect hair. Floral prints are okay if they’re small, but avoid anything that looks tropical. I showed up to Tom’s parents one time wearing this cute yellow sundress with these bright pink flowers all over it thinking I looked spring-y and cheerful.
Turns out his aunt thought those flowers made me look “artsy” and asked me at least 87 times if I did paintings. Stick to stripes or solids that look expensive. I know that black can look city-ish but these parents LIVE to believe you could just as easily be lounging by their pond as you would be soaking up the city nightlife.
You never know when they’ll decide to take you around their property for a surprise tour of their home just to see if you like it. The material of your clothes will matter more than you think. For some reason, these people have been trained since birth to know the difference between real silk blouses and polyester that just looks like silk.
Don’t ask me how, they can and will. Try to stick to natural fabrics that give off expensive vibes. A cheap-looking H&M dress made out of cotton or linen will read better than a pricier one made from synthetic fibers.
I check fabric content like a hawk whenever I shop for meetings with parents. Shoes. Oh shoes.
Let me tell you, they notice your shoes. A lot. But they have to be good shoes, not yoga-brand sneakers-with-swooshes or Birkenstocks.
I scored a pair of tan leather flats at DSW that were on major sale and look like I spent $200 on them. Just remember that heels are okay but not too high. You don’t want to give off the wrong shopping-mall-on-a-weekend-vibe when you’re out in the countryside.
And avoid trendy sneakers at all costs unless you want to be gifted wellies for a family stroll through their garden, which you WILL be forced to do. Men have it way easier than us, and yet all of my guy friends still stress about this like it’s their first time meeting parents. Wear jeans.
Button-down shirt. Wool sweater if it’s chilly. Easy.
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My friend Mike sweared at me for buying him a plain white shirt to wear when he met his girlfriend’s parents. He borrowed one of his dad’s old cashmere v-necks instead and got complimented on his “lovely jumper” approximately 647 times. Accept that if you have to meet someone’s parents you are now forced to buy at least one wool sweater that you will love and wear until you die.
If they offer. Don’t get me wrong, these parents LOVE accessories. They’ve been judging what jewelry other people are wearing since they could go shopping alone.
Stick to small earrings and maybe a thin necklace. I learned my lesson when I wore these awesome dangly earrings I found at Madewell to Tom’s parents and spent 3 hours trying to avoid his mom eyeballing my ears. Don’t even get me started on bags.
These moms CANNOT. NOT. NOTICE what kind of bag you’re carrying.
Get something that looks nice but not designer, like my favorite leather bag from Target’s up-scale partnership with Michael Kors. They know that bag wasn’t full-priced, I know that bag wasn’t full-priced, but pretend it was and everyone will be happy. No crazy patterns or hardware that scream LOOK AT ME I’M CARRYING A GUCCI TOTE.
You want a solid neutral color that matches basically anything, and ideally something you can picture their daughter carrying when she gets old enough to join her parents for family Sunday roasts. Here’s the thing. When English people say they love the countryside, they mean it.
You will be forced to take MANY walks. When it rains, you will take layers off and put them on. But they have to be cute layers, not your giant fluffy pink sweater you throw on when it’s chilly.
Bring a cardigan to wear over your dress. It’s helpful if it matches or at least coordinates, but these parents have such nice homes you’ll find things to distract you from that fact so don’t stress too much about it. Throw on a coat that looks heavy enough to have wool interiors.
You’ll probs be taking that jacket off and putting it on twenty times on your journey through their garden and “backyards.” Because let me tell you, coats matter. A lot. The second you walk through someone’s front door in England is when they size you up based on your coat.
I spent about $200 on this beautiful wool coat from COS during their winter sale (COATS ARE ON SALE ALL YEAR ROUND AT COS, TRUST ME) and it’s been life-changing. It looks expensive enough that I feel like I fit in with their families when I meet their parents, but it’s not so trendy that I worry they’ll notice it’s not from Anderson & Sheppard. Stay away from bright colors.
Stick to navy, pinks that don’t pop, greys, anything in the blue green family. The biggest tip I have for shopping for parent meetings is to look for classic pieces that will pass as Way More Expensive Than They Are. Spend more money on a few key staples you know will work, and save on the smaller details.
Sites like Zara, COS, & Other Stories are my go-tos for this. Everything they sell looks expensive enough to work, and they always have sales where those clothes are actually affordable. Thrift stores are hit or miss, but you can definitely score some vintage gems if you know what you’re looking for.
Vintage screams “my parents bought me this adorable blouse when I was your age” rather than “I got this at Goodwill.” I found this gorgeous silk scarf at Goodwill for $3 and now throw it on basically all of my outfits when I need a pop of color or pattern. It looks expensive enough to count as an expensive accessory, even though it cost me the price of a McDonald’s hamburger. Speaking of… Lunch is more casual than dinner, but “casual” to them probably means you put some effort into what you’re wearing.
If they’re brave enough to have you over on the weekend, you might be changing outfits a couple times to add subtle layers that make you look more or less dressy. Pack double what you think you’ll need, these families love randomly deciding that NOW is a good time to go to the local pub/ pub lunch or take a stroll through the village which “just so happens” to take you past their other house that is ALSO a manor. Don’t show up looking like you didn’t even try.
Because trust me, showing up in leggings as a dress is way worse than wearing yoga pants and thinking you can get away with it. It lets them know you understand there are social situations that require nice clothing, even if you can’t actually afford nice clothing. Home Counties parents aren’t dickheads just because they have a disgustingly large property and nice clothes.
They’re scared you’re somehow going to negatively affect their families’ lives by being with their son or daughter, so they’re going to judge literally everything about you when you first meet to make sure you’re “good enough.” Your outfit isn’t just what you’re wearing, it’s your armor against having to small talk with people who have hooves for feet. So while you should definitely stick to the guidelines I mentioned above, you can add fun personal touches here and there. Bright scarf?
Sure, as long as it’s not rainbow-striped and you’re not wearing it as a dress. Unique vintage shirt your grandma gave you?
Throw it over that knee-length dress and you’re set.
Bottom line is, if you know you look nice and appropriate for the situation, you’ll feel less stressed about making a bad first impression and more able to actually enjoy talking to your boyfriend’s parents. Buying a few key pieces that you feel good in and that cover all bases for future family visits is also sort of like an investment in your relationship. Sorry, I had to.
Anna text me after lunch to tell me how it went with Harry’s parents. “I literally kicked it!” She wrote. “His mom asked me where my dress was from and liked that I knew Zara was ‘one of her favorite stores.’ She kept it moving after that.” You’ll know you’ve aced it when Harry’s mom doesn’t interrogate you about where you shop when you two first meet. The best part? Once you’ve officially passed their clothing-based inspection, you can start dressing down for visits.
Anna went back to Harry’s parents a few months later and wore jeans and a nice sweater because she had proven to Harry’s family that she knew how to dress up if the occasion called for it. So there you have it. Meet the parents in England?
Throw on some cute clothes that fit you well and wouldn’t look out of place in a period drama. Sound like you know where you’re putting that lovely village down south, and don’t forget your phone charger because their outlets will probably kill your phone.
