I was dumped last month. Text message. On my birthday.
While standing in the middle of the grocery store buying him dinner. Timing-wise, it was like somebody read the handbook on Breaking Women’s Hearts and then tried to top their recommendations. I called my friend Emma and proceeded to get emotionally checked while vigorously sobbing into the phone.
After some wise consoling (read: listening to me snort ugly tears for 17 minutes), Emma paused my meltdown with a statement so bizarre I stopped crying from sheer confusion: “What were you wearing when you met him?” Did she think my outfit choices were the reason he broke up with me? I was wearing… a sweater? “Um, skinny jeans and that ugly ass cardigan I love?
With the huge buttons?” “That.” She said emphatically. “That’s probably why he wanted to go out with you.” She paused for effect. “Trust me.” Maybe if that cardigan was cuter I’d be buying what she’s selling.
But the thing is a human heater shield. We’re talking NC-17 sweater temps over here. If Innaway made a sweater to wear while committing arson, it would look like this one.
If this was an actual human being and not a sweater, he’d be a basement landlord named Chuck who refinished vintage gas pipes as a hobby and exclusively watches HGTV. Emma paused for dramatic effect again. “Big cardigans like that are really in right now, actually. Hot, even.
Trust me.” Ever since Emma dropped that knowledge on me, I’ve been thinking about it. Because honestly, thinking about dating was the last thing I wanted to do. And thinking about the sweater, let’s face it, was way easier.
As a Vogue fashion writer who will literally google-regressively-search every article of clothing she sees to verify how things are supposed to be worn, I had one burning question: Is it actually sexy to wear something that’s objectively unsexy? And, uh, why? So I did what any self-respecting feminist writer would do and emailed several dating coaches asking if big, unsexy cardigans are the new little black dresses.
Spoiler alert: They totally are not. But there are a lot of popular, supposedly unsexy style choices that are sexy AF according to dating experts. “Think of bone structure but with clothes,” relationship expert Nicole McNamara told me over Zoom. McNamara, who owns her own matchmaking service and consults for dating apps like Tinder and Hinge, says that intentionally unsexy clothing sends a subconscious signal to potential mates that you’re comfortable in your own skin. “A cardigan that looks like your grandma threw it on over a tee shirt?
Huge love buttons? It screams: ‘I know who I am and I don’t care what you think of me,’” she said. Translation: My sweater might have just been what the dumpee ordered.
UGH. Digging through my brain’s_defs folder for traumatic relationship archives wasn’t fun, but interviewing experts about potential upsides to the traumatic experience was definitely better than wallowing. So I got in touch with more dating coaches, surveyed my Instagram followers, and scoured Hinge’s internal data to find out: Just how hot are “unsexy” clothes, really?
The trend isn’t going anywhere, according to Jin Park, a trend forecaster at clothing resale app thredUP. “Sales of sweater dresses are up 27%, while blazers are down 15%. Cardigans and slipovers are up 41%. Chunky sneakers have increased 223%, while nude heels are down 55%.” People are buying—and wearing—things they actually feel good in, rather than things they think will look sexy.
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As for what they find sexy? As I showed earlier with McNamara, some relationship experts swear by supposedly “unsexy” items as hot commodities when sending subliminal signals of self-confidence to prospective dates. As McNamara told me, women in oversized shirts and men in hoodies send an “I’m comfy in my own skin” message to romantic prospects.
While dating coach and CEO of Rebellious Coaching Kenyatta Rogers told me she recommends clients wear clothes that make them feel confident… even if that means wearing your underwear as a shirt. “You don’t want someone overshining you on your first date,” Rogers says. “You want them looking at you because you look damn good in that sweater dress and nothing else matters.” Turns out, selling out your grandma’s sweaters on Etsy might be the next big entrepreneurial trend. At least according to relationship app Hinge, whose data showed that “effortless-looking attire”—think: “dad” jeans, oversized sweaters, and TOMS (yes, really)—performed better than tight jeans and expensive-looking dresses when swiping right. “Profiles featuring cozy knitwear received 27% more right-swipes than profiles where someone is wearing fitted clothing,” Park said. “And when we looked at comments people write on their profiles, we found a 173% increase in mentions of comfortable clothes like flats and slides.” Hmmmmm. “Hoodies.” Said McNamara, without hesitation. Rogers’ response?
Shoes,” McNamara added. “Tank tops and fingerless gloves. Slap some chunky gold bracelets on and you’ve got a winner.” Guilty as charged. But according to Rogers, rocking a pair of ugly sneakers could actually be a total turn-on for potential dates. “I had a male client who really liked this one girl and was trying to figure out how to ask her out,” Rogers told me. “He finally did it while they were both wearing Uggs.
And low-key, he attributes his success in asking her to that.” Men weren’t spared from the interviewing, either. After polling my guy friends on what women’s clothes they found attractive, “too-small” jeans topped the list. “See that small tear on her favorite jeans? Now that’s sexy,” wrote one dude friend. “You know she wears them enough for them to be damaged, but not too much that they’re old.” Said another: “Girls who don’t ‘try’ too hard on dates.
Tank top, favorite junk food stained jeans, hair up in a messy bun, no makeup… that’s hot.” Wait… what? You guys? Curious if relationship professionals felt similarly to my random internet-stalked acquaintances, I posed the same question to McNamara.
And holy shit, did her opinion of boyfriend jeans ever just… free-fall. “I hate boyfriend jeans!” she said. “But I do think when a woman wears jeans that are slightly too small for her in all the right places, it’s really sexy.” And when I say “all the right places,” McNamara means, like, your junk. “It shows you care about your body and how your clothes fit, even if you try to play it off like you don’t,” she added. “Every man I’ve ever talked to loves a little-girl wink and nod.” Oversized vintage T-shirts, according to McNamara. Clear high-tops, according to Rogers. Birkenstocks, according to everyone who answered this question.
We get it, ankle boots. You’re cute when you make us walk seven blocks in the snow to get tacos. But on dates?
While interviewing McNamara, we somehow got on the subject of unflattering shirts. And let me tell you: She did NOT have nice things to say about crop tops. “When your boobs are spilling out of your shirt, that’s called honest advertising,” she said. “No mystery, no games. You’re just showing up as hot and confident as hell and I’m here for it.” Women wearing jeans that don’t quite break ass privilege they have,” McNamara said. “But men’s socks with sandals?
The horror!” And then, like the universe was rewarding me for taking a break from banging my head against my desk over dumped-boyfriend sweater catastrophe, something magical happened: Guys wearing cute shirts,” replied McNamara immediately. “Who cover up their abs but not too much.
Like they work out, but aren’t obsessive about it.” Uh… excuse me while I go look up some Twitter boy models from three years ago and start frantically shipping them to lovers I’ll probably never meet. See what I mean?
Backless tanks. And it’s not just straight daters who agree that unsexy=sexy these days. When it came to surveying LGBTQ+ folks on their thoughts about supposedly unsexy style choices, I got similar responses from both sides of the gender binary. “I love seeing women rock more masculine types of shirts,” said Miguel Robles, a 24-year-old LGBTQ+ community organizer from Houston. “Flannels, big bold shirts, whatever.
It just looks really cool to me.” “I think it’s very hot when men wear clothes that highlight their waist,” replied Brad, a gay man from Philadelphia. “Tank tops, button-ups, fitted shirts that aren’t skin tight but just fit their body right.” As multiple queer femmes told me over Instagram DMs, shirts that expose your midriff, whether intentionally or not, is a total turn-on. “My breasts definitely attract attention,” one queer femme replied. “But sometimes I don’t even realize my shirt is sucking in my boobs when I put it on. It’s unintentional and I think that’s sexy.” And it’s not just queer women who are into untrained cleavage: When I asked McNamara whether stomachs hanging over crop tops turned her on, she was very much into it. “I love it,” she told me. “Nothing screams confidence like showing up in a shirt that says ‘Hey baby, I work out… but not *too* much.’” Once I got over the excitement of having expert stylist approval to wear baggy-ass clothes everywhere forever, I realized something unsettling about all this information: While strappy sandals and fitted shirts might not be “sexy” to everyone, that still doesn’t give me carte blanche to wear whatever the fuck I want on dates. “It’s less about what you wear and more about how you feel wearing it,” Rogers said. “If you hate yourself in that outfit, or you feel uncomfortable, none of that ‘effortless’ messaging is going to come across in your energy.” Translation: Just because we straight guys love seeing a chunk of belly bone doesn’t mean you have to wear your shirt three sizes too small to attract our attention. Same goes for jewelry, heels, and jeans that are supposedly “too small.” While these may very well be hot to some people, only you know what makes YOU feel sexy and confident.
Own that. Embrace it. And dump anyone who can’t accept that your self-confidence shouldn’t be up for debate.
