I Spent a Week Dressing for Imaginary Adventures While Going to My Soul-Crushing Office Job

Have you ever had one of those moments where you look down at yourself and realize that you’ve somehow become human wallpaper? It happened to me last Tuesday. I was getting ready for work at 7: 28 a.m. when I caught sight of myself standing half-naked in my closet wearing… nothing new.

Sure, the items were new to me. But threadbare black pants? Generic blazer?

Ugg boots? I had become my office wardrobe: a tragic repeat of the “professional” outfits I’ve worn for the past three years.

Am I the only person who fantasizes about showing up to work dressed as if you’ve already reached your destination?

Like what if I just showed up pretending I already went hiking when we had a team meeting? Or wearing a ballgown because… why the hell not? Let’s take this office for a ride.

That’s how Work Wardrobe: Vacation Edition was born. For five whole days I committed to showing up to work dressed like I had somewhere better to be. Bonus points if no one knew where I thought I was going until that very morning.

No warnings were given. My coworkers had no time to prepare for whatever weird getup I came up with each day. Some of these dresses took me hours to put together.

So trust me, if I was doing it… you should too. Are you ready? Let’s vacation.

Day one: Beach Okay, beach may seem obvious but I’m talking FULL resort-style living it up in April kind of beach. And I do mean April. Not cute springtime sweater-weather beach, April-brown-water-and-hot-flashheyimcoveredinSAND beach.

Floral maxi dress with the slit up into your pants territory. Straw hat so large it made me a target for migratory birds. Sexy as hell strappy sandals and a cocktail-free margarita mixin’ bottle of coconut-smelling body spray.

I stepped into work looking like a hurricane had blown through the perfume department and decided to go home with me. My neighbor Mr. Gonzalez saw me coming out of the elevator and nodded sagely. “Qué bien por ti,” he said. “You do you, boo,” I translated for his neighbors.

The subway ride felt like it would never end. Half the people on the train avoided looking at me like I had failed humanities. Others stared so hard I felt myself starting to glow brunette.

One woman gave me THE LOOK, you know the look, when someone is clearly annoyed by you but doesn’t want to make eye contact? She gave it so hard, Mitch Mitchell would’ve been proud. But honestly?

I rockin’ rolled through that subway car like Chrissy Teigen eating popcorn. I arrived at work giddy, covered in dollar-store-body-spray scent, READY TO INTERNET DATE MY COHORTS. Dave, my security guard (aka the human swipe machine who hasn’t looked me in the eye since I started working here three years ago) did an actual double take when he saw me. “Ma’am, are you sure this is the right building?” I breezed past him, badge swiping so fast he started working on teeth.

Because Newsflash Dave, I’M WORKING FROM BEACH TODAY. Emma, my cowork-send-daughter/friend burst into applause when I walked into the office. “Wow, Harper. Today I don’t know whether to congratulate you on checking completely out of reality or report you to HR because you’re probably sleeping with the resort director.” Emma raised her hands. “You know I’m rooted for you no matter what, right?” Bradley, my boss whom everyone terrorizes by saying “You’re too hard on Bradley!” looked like he’d just seen a unicorn.

He paced nervously around our cubicle area eyeing my toes. Later, he spent twenty minutes sitting in the conference room avoiding eye contact with me because clearly I was going to demand he help me sand between my toes at my desk. BEST.

WEEK. EVER. Do you know what else happened?

I crushed my workday. Between debugging code and finishing a TPS report on time, I was THRIVING. Ok y’all, maybe beach wasn’t the place to start but I was buzzed off my high and day two was going to be….

Day two: Wedding BRIDAL PARTY REALNESS, BABY. Yeah I knew it was only Tuesday but come on. There’s no time like the present to feast like a king because YOU’RE THE KING.

Dress belonged to my Grandma Martha and legit required a gown hoop just to keep it from swallowing me whole. EIGHT adjustments to my hair comb so it didn’t fall off. I looked like Jessica Rabbit and the entire thing took approximately nine centuries and a lot of YouTube tutorials I watched at 2 a.m.

Getting the fascinator to stay on my head was a whole ordeal of its own. TRUST ME WHEN I SAY RIDING THE SUBWAY WHILE WEARING WHAT EASILY QUALIFIES AS A SMALL BASKET OF TRINKETS ON YOUR HEAD IS AN EXTREMOEVERNESS YOU DO NOT EXPECT TO ENJOY IN LIFE. I basically wore the thing backward because the clip wouldn’t attach to my actual hair.

Which meant I spent the subway ride with one hand pressed against my forehead FOREVER trying to avoid dislodging the abomination perched precariously on top of my head. Luckily, the reactions I got from my fellow New Yorkers made it worth it. The elevator lady looked at me quizzically and asked which royal family was getting married. “United States,” I replied.

She nodded slowly like she didn’t know whether to believe me or assume I had rocked up to her private equity office wearing fancy napkins. Emma literally curtseyed when she saw me. Bradley had that face that confirms he’s panicking but doesn’t want to speak English because BELIEVE IT OR NOT HAVING FOREIGN SPELLINGS IN YOUR DATABASE CAN CAUSE COMPUTER ISSUES.

Our department head came by my desk to ask if I was feeling alright, if someone was threatening me, if… anything. I loved her for it. It’s not all glamour though.

Weddings aren’t exactly built for a 9-5. The gloves came off within the first hour. Typing was impossible with them on.

The fascinator gave me a headache by noon but didn’t want to mess up my hair enough to take it off so I dealt. Lunch was reduced to swallowing diet pepsi through a straw because EFF ACTUALLY UTENSILS LADY LIKE ME. Man, I killed it at work today.

So good in fact that when I left at 5:30 p.m. I actually caught someone from our marketing department snapping photos of me at my desk. ROLE MODEL.

But what happens when you wear your best club gear to work at 8 a.m.? FIND OUT MY FRIENDS. FIND OUT.

Day three: Nightclub Spoiler alert: people thought I was going to a nightclub. Sequined mini dress that made me a beacon of shiny throughout the Financial District. Platform heels that proved the city streets were NOT MADE FOR WOMEN.

SMOKY EYE. Purposefully messy hair that took me 45 minutes and half the makeup section at Duane Read to achieve. The ride in was… interesting.

Some people looked away. Some people stared. A bunch of Wall Street dudes kept checking their watches like they thought today was Monday and I had overslept to attend some mid-week black-tie event.

Two separate women nodded at me knowingly. WHO THE ACTUAL FUCK KNOWS YOU ON THE SUBWAY? ME.

AND IM WAVING. Dave barely reacted when I arrived. He literally whispered “day three” at me and went back to scanning people into the building.

I’ve reached peak weirdness with my office and I am not mad about it. The team split into factions. Some loved it.

Asked where I was going after work and if they could join. Some judged me like I was wearing an actual NIGHTCLUB DRESS TO WORK. And then there’s upper management who barely noticed because if you’re rich enough, strangeness from your coworkers becomes white noise.

Honestly though, Bradley lost it. We were in a one-on-one meeting and my outfit was sparking so much light his monitor could barely cope. He looked at me QUIETLY TRYING TO FUNCTION AND ADVISED ME I WAS DRINKING FROM THE STRAWBERRY DRINK MACHINE.

And then he lost it. “Harper.” He started, tapping his glasses nervously. “Are you sure everything is ok? You want to talk about anything?” “Nope!” I laughed. “I just woke up feeling like this today. Construction okay?” He didn’t answer but I could tell he was trying to decide if that made me certifiably insane or if he just lacked the creativity to dress like I did some days.

CHOOSE LIFE BRADLEY. It wasn’t all fun and games though. All that shimmer shed glitter across my desk all day long.

Platforms made it impossible to walk normally. And god forgive me but the smoky eye LOOKED LIKE I WAS Wearing CLOWN MAKEUP under office lighting and close-talkin’. Yet here I was brainstorming ideas with my team at triple the capacity I normally would.

Was it because they already think I’m cray? Maybe. But I went all in.

So why not lean into the insanity? Side note: at some point around 3 p.m., everyone stopped caring. It was normal for Harper to show up to work dressed like she was about to moonwalk.

Emma stopped me in the bathroom to say, “You realize nobody thought twice about you wearing nightclub attire to work today, right? My brain just accepted this as normal. WEIRDOS.” Okay she didn’t say weirdos but she totally thought it.

Day four: Hiking trail UGH CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH FUN IT WAS TO GO INTO WORK WEARING THE FULL MOUNTAIN ADVENTURE EXPERIENCE?? Moisture-wicking tank top? Check.

Pockets? Check. Pants with a hydration pack?!?

HOLY MOUNTAIN BLAAAAZE. Alright okay so maybe NO ONE laughed at me about this getup but the subway dude asked if I was hiking Breakneck Ridge this morning and looked at me like I belonged in his campers family reunion when I said no, the office. BOOTS FLIPPING SCREAMED at the ground when I walked.

Three pairs of fleece socks had me overheating by mid-morning. My hydration bladder leaked when I sat down causing facilities to come sniff around my desk for flooding. What a time to be me.

But guys. Mountain mama mode got me WORKING. My vest, my pants, my boots were all made for conquering mountains.

Not INCIDIO… I MEAN ANALYSIS PROBLEMS. But you know what I did? I ATTACKED THEM LIKE THEY WERE MOUNTAINS.

I methodically worked through problems. Held better posture all day. Stayed seated longer.

Got more things done on strategic tasks. Will 100% wear yoga pants to my next big presentation. The best part?

Our CEO walked me up after the all hands and actually COMPLIMENTED ME on coming prepared for whatever life throws at you today. NEWSFLASH BOSSES WE ROCK CLIMBING MOUNTAINS TOO. I even managed to have a legit conversation with him about being prepared for adversity WHILE PEOPLE PEered at my hiking poles sticking out of my desk trash can.

Bradley only stopped me because I tried to light my lunch on fire with a portable camping stove in the break room. “Hey listen, I like your enthusiasm but you’re gonna get us kicked out for fire hazards.” Friends don’t let friends use blow torches at their desks. Finale day: Black tie gala BALLGOWN LEVEL OF STUNT WEARING HAPPENING RIGHT HERE. Feather trimmed opera gloves.

Glitter eye shadow. Red carpet worthy heels. Tu tu length skirt that only reached this far up my thigh because I refuse to support companies that make maternity hems for normal people.

Oscar worthy hair. Over the top statement earrings. Tiny sparkly clutch that held nothing but AIR.

Going through airport security would’ve been easier than manning the subway with this getup. I probably could’ve slide Locked behind my chair if there was an emergency. Winds picked up halfway to work and my ONLY protection was a sunscreen I forgot to apply because WHERE THE HECK WAS I SUPPOSED TO FIT AN UMBRELLA ALONG WITH MYSKIRT AND THIS HAND HELD PURSE?!? !

Dave sighed when he saw me. “Last day huh?” I nodded. “Hope you saved the best for last kid, cause damn.” FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS MAKE FUN OF THEIR EMPLOYEES DRESSING FOR WORK. One cool thing about this dress? Everyone was super polite to me all day.

Hold doors for me. Offer me chairs when I needed them. Waited to talk at me until I’d finished making points in meetings.

Don’t ask me why but people near instinctively treated me with respect when I wore formal wear. TO THE OFFICE. WHO KNEW.

Bradley and I had a lovely check-in where he complimented me on my posture and I nodded along, too stunned that we were having a normal professional conversation to point out I couldn’t take notes with my gloves ON. I get off work and lean in for a high-five that we both know I’m owed. “Nice job today Harper.” He nods back at me happily, warm hands stuffed in his pockets. So what have I learned from my week of dressing for work like I already GOT THERE?

I was dressing blandly to fit in. To not be noticeable. To fly under the radar and not rock the boat.

Wearing these crazy outfits made me a spectacle. And kind of reclaimed that power for me in a way?

Also I do not need “neutral” shirts to do my job.

Or boots. All that stuff dulled my creativity and made me bored at work. Skyrocketing my out-of-office outfits turned out actually made me better at… being me on the clock.

Will I suggest you wear something crazy to work for a week? Absolutely not. Land yourself a new job first because yours will probably fire you.

But if you feel stuck in a beige world? If your closet is full of outfits you never wear because COMFY THINGS DON’T TAKE ME WHERE I WANT TO GO. If you’ve forgotten how to dress for joy instead of blending into the daily majority… take one day.

One day where you wake up and think, Forget where I am today, WHERE DO I WANT TO BE? Even if that’s just….Anywhere but here.