Okay so I have owned four black backless dresses in the last two years, which is a specific number I actually counted because I got weirdly defensive when my roommate said “again?” while watching me try on the third one, and this is the post where I finally sort out my own feelings about the category instead of pretending I have one consistent opinion, because I do not.
The one I was SURE would win was this slinky slip style with a low scoop back and a side zip that looked incredible in every mirror selfie and then, on the actual night, required a friend named Devon to basically wrestle me into it in a bathroom stall while I held my breath and prayed. Zip caught twice. Got there eventually. Looked great on camera, felt like a hostage situation for four minutes beforehand, mixed review, we’ll workshop it.
The one that actually surprised me was a plainer looking halter cut with a back that dips but doesn’t go full open runway situation, zips up the side too but it’s a bigger tooth zip that doesn’t snag on anything, and I got into it standing in my kitchen with zero help and zero drama.
No stall, no Devon, no held breath.
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That’s the comparison right there, two dresses that photograph almost identically and live completely different lives once you’re actually wearing them, and I did not expect the plainer one to be the better roommate.
Nobody talks about the underwear problem enough and I refuse to be normal about this, the backless thing means you’re either committing to nothing under there, which is its own kind of confidence I do not always have at 9pm on a Tuesday, or you’re doing the sticky bra shuffle in a bathroom line while someone’s mom asks if you’re okay. I’ve done both. Neither is a great time. The dip back one at least lets you get away with a low back bra, which honestly should be the headline nobody’s writing.
Also can we talk about the draft. Any bar with air conditioning turned up past “aggressive” and a backless dress becomes a full body weather event, I have physically hugged myself through an entire appetizer course because my back was cold and I refused to admit it.
The gamble pick here is the super low one, the one that goes almost to the waist, it looks unbelievable on the right person in the right light and slightly like a costume malfunction waiting to happen on literally everyone else including me on a bad day, so I’m not going to pretend that one’s for everybody, because it’s not, and pretending otherwise would be lying to you guys.
