Hi, yes you. Try and remember this blog post when you’re wandering around your local shopping centre searching for the holy grail of jeans. Alright, alright.
We all know shopping for jeans sucks. Like really fucking sucks. For me it’s up there with root canals and telling my dad what TikTok is as far as “things I’d rather do”. *Opts to watch my sister-in-law’s sparkly Fortnite montage from Christmas one more time instead. * Still, there I was Monday rush hour last week staring at my reflection in a room littered with denim and questioning every life decision that led me there.
You see my favourite pair of black jeans had just died. *Dies. * With gusto whilst sprinting to catch the bus one day after work. You know when you get a whoosh of fresh air when there should be no air whatsoever coming from between your thighs?
Yeah. *Scrambles into the nearest shop to buy safety pins with my bum hanging out of my jeans, holding them up with one hand. * Lovely.
Anyway long story short I knew I needed a new pair.
But you guys, being a content creator has trained me so badly that all I ever think about is HOW things look on camera. Like fit and prints and clothes twirling every step.
I don’t even know what feels good to wear anymore! Add to that I’m only 5’4 with hips that just won’t cooperate with the world’s idea of ‘standard sizing’ and shopping for jeans just sucks (Literally every time). Whoever came up with high waisted jeans plus hips need to understand that they are not friends.
Sorry not sorry. SO what I did was *brilliant*. I just tried every pair of women’s jeans in John Lewis.
Yes. All of them. Testing out the scientific method one jean at a time.
Store assistant eyeing me up when I wheeled my first giant pile of jeans into the changing room with THE LOOK. “Are you taking half of the shop clothes love?” and me fair dying inside but responding with “Yeah I am basically having a meltdown BUT YES”. Starting with, of course, the iconic Levi’s 501s. The ones every influencer says are your ‘basics’.
And trust me they are. But live in them? Get up and down?
Walk from A to B like a normal human being in them? Forget about it. Sofa legs I named those jeans.
I lasted all of 30 seconds wearing them. And moving onto the show stopper Ribcage jeans that everyone is low key obsessed with on their FYP. Oh my god these things lived up to their name.
Seriously, my rib cage forgot what height was it was so high up my torso. Looked amazing? Hell yeah.
But practical AF? No ma’am. Couldn’t breathe got up far too many times convinced I was having a heart attack just sitting in them.
Brands these days….. idk. I even got my girl Maya to bring me coffee in at this point cause I was deep within jean hell and spiralling fast. I think by then I’d tried on about twenty pairs and nothing was fitting right.
The ~nice~ Whistles ones made me look like extra from my mum’s cover band in 2003. The trendy AND/ORD ones tried to introduce me to their gaps in the back big enough to store my entire iPhone. Fitting room was getting steamy, the lighting was horrible AF (Cripes JL why do your fitting room lights hate me?) and I even contemplated just quitting life and living as a Jazzercize granny in joggers.
But! Keep going ladies. Once I tried on pair thirty something life just kinda…felt easy.
I didn’t know myself anymore. I was jotting down notes on my phone about how these jeans fit like: ‘Waist band cuts off circulation but gapes whenever I stand up WTF is this’ ‘Pockets too small to be useful? What is the point’ etc.
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And then, *miracle of miracles*, I came across these babies. I tried them on without high expectations like the bois before them. But when I looked in the mirror I didn’t zoom in on every.single.flaw they seemed to have.
They just fit. Perfectly in fact! They were high waisted enough to smooth out the lumps but not so high I felt like I was getting sawed in half every time I sat down.
They skimmed my legs instead of clinging to every.single.curve. They moved with me when I sat down rather than stretching with every ounce of will power they had. Safe to say I might’ve died and gone to heaven. “Oh my god,” I squealed to Maya “These might actually be The Ones.” She looked up from her phone and scrutinised me. “Your arse looks amazing hun, does that help make your decision?” Girl scout biscuits immediately sold in my head.
Fast forward an hour of walking around, sitting down, squatting down (DON’T @ME if you’re not squatting trying on jeans you’re doing it wrong), checking myself out from every angle these jeans were IT. Worked with my chunky Keds, looked good with boots, looked equally as lovely cuffed and uncuffed. I almost didn’t believe it.
Jeans this comfortable and that actually fit me shouldn’t be this cheap? Am I in the damn matrix? They were only £65 and made from recycled cotton to top it all off.
I literally could not find anything wrong with them. Granted I still had about five pairs of jeans to go through because come on I’m NOT LEAVING UNTIL I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING BUT STILL and my goodness did they all pale in comparison to my lil Jays. Then JL gods shine upon me (well kinda, they just handed me a pair of jeans but you get me) the lady who had watched me go through complete jean-anecdotal and likely makes minimum wage fed me the pair of jeans that were ‘just delivered yesterday, they’re selling out already.’ Nobody’s Child jeans.
I almost didn’t try them cause at this point I knew I found my number ones but boy oh boy am I glad I did. Same high waist magic, no gap in the back antics and they were different to my Albaray ones. Straight leg but still kinda cropped?
Literally perfected every women’s dream length. It works with everything I own. Paired amazing with my high waisted ASOS shorts I already own.
Basically they were the bees knees. “Plot twist Jordana you found 2 pairs that fit you.” – Maya. Sure I did and here we are. I copped both pairs (obviously) but Jesus being able to walk out of John Lewis with two pairs of jeans that ACTUALLY FIT me in one miserable trip was the BEST feeling.
Like heck yes girl empower yourself and buy both! Alright so maybe shopping for jeans didn’t totally suck this one time. But guys that doesn’t mean we should *ever* be forcing ourselves into jeans that don’t fit us.
Hear me out! I know everyone and their mum is telling you to live in rigid denim and hunt down vintage Levi’s at boot sales but what about the rest of us with ‘actual hips’ that need stretch? Sure we can TRY on those things but ultimately they’re not *built* for our bodies that like to stretch, yawn, and sit in cafes drinking lattes.
Everyone’s falling over themselves for this cute ‘new’ style of jean that popped up on TikTok but holy crap does it look stupid on me. Like yes we should all experiment and try trends but please don’t force your body into something it clearly hates.
The jeans I ended up buying aren’t the trendiest or even ‘it’ jeans John Lewis offered.
They’re probs not what every girl in Shoreditch is wearing or what the cool kids are wearing according to Vogue this month.
But hell do they work for me. They work for how I live my life, how I move my body, and how I actually like to wear clothes other than for taking pics on Instagram.
I’m learning to embrace that more and more. My style should work for me. My lifestyle.
Not fight me every step of the way because some algorithm thinks I need to look like them. Moral of the story: if you catch me looking exceptionally smug walking around Austin rocking either these Albaray straight legs or Nobody’s Child relaxed fit jeans know that I’m probs celebrating my miraculous luck of finding THE ONE TWICE. Oh and to all you lovely souls out there that decide to embark on this jean journey with me.
Good luck! And bring snacks. Also thank John Lewis fitting room employees cause THEY ARE THE REAL WINNERS getting to watch us go through all 7 stages of jean-purgatory grief everyday.
They deserve a medal.
